MinD SpeAk

On Evil

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:56:58 GMT

The dark and unspeakable once again hits the ground,
Sigh! And I simply turn around.
Cause weighing down on me,
Is damned middle class morality.

Someday when I confront him again,
I'll draw my gun and and see him slain.
But until then, middle class morality,
Will continue to enslave me.

The Great Indian October Fest 2009 SUCKED

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:46:05 GMT

And here is why

1) This is one wretched city with traffic and roads even lucifer would think evil.
2) Instead of watching my beloved R.Dixit and his band of brothers I was stuck in mindlessly numb and still traffic just outside the venue.
3) When I got in I saw:
- 5 year olds
- more 5 year olds
- some infants in baby baskets- grammas and grampas from solanki, madanapalli, ranchi, kasargode, jamshedpur, behrampur and nanjangod.
- Shocked as hell grammas and grampas from solanki, madanapalli, ranchi, kasargode, jamshedpur, behrampur and nanjangod.
4) KK performed
5) KK performed a string of love songs
6) The singh is king crowd (which was the majority) headbanged to THAT!
7) Women in 'salwar suits', 3 inches wide sindoor and 8 dozen white and red bangles wore funny beer hats and crooned, "I so waant that fake hairs, honney!'
8) The beer counters had at least 4 guys with hypothyroidism who cant do math manning each counter.
9) The guys selling cigarettes at MRP + more wouldnt sell lighters or matches. And I stopped using flint a few generations ago.
10) I had to make me and 3 hungry others food at home because none of the eateries were open at 11: friggin:00 in the city.

I have given up on being entertained in this city.

Diwali and other conspiracies

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:06:59 GMT

What I believe:

Diwali as a matter of fact only celebrates the victory of an Aryan king over a Dravidian counterpart. It was about territorial expansion and invasion and had nothing to do with fighting injustice, crime or ‘evil’. Therefore, isn’t celebrating Diwali indulging in racism.

Why I believe what I believe:

I've read that apart from the four southern states, Dravidians were supposed to have inhabited (based on linguistics among other things) central India, Baluchistan and even Iran.

Hence, it sounds plausible that the Aryans had in fact come into an already existing civilization (at Harappa/Mohan Jo Dharo) and later subdued them and pushed them further south for the most part, while some moved westward (towards Baluchistan/Iran/wherever they will keep discovering their presence) in the northern direction. Can it not be possible that like they moved west they also moved east (Assam perhaps)???

You surely don’t believe in these stories as they are told!!! Do ya! Some of us aren’t even believers. Mythology to me is more of an expression of contemporary politics, ideologies and strategies. Government-backed agencies like ISI, CIA, MI5 and MI6 and a whole lot of others indulge in propaganda of their choice in today's world, why mustn’t we believe that’s how it was back then too? If MI6 can publish untrue stories about Ed Heath so Maggie T can win her seat so a few people can get what they want and then some more and stay there ...why must it be hard for us to understand that at some level if not all...such "myths" were perhaps propaganda of the yesteryears? Perhaps Ravana wasn’t a bad boy after all.

The Oxford Dictionary describes racism as a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others. Am I manifesting racist tendencies by suggesting what I did? I don’t think so. I am just an inquirer. I am generally curious, and given the season, theologically too. Now just because I question something well established does not mean I am a bigoted fanatic that is out to slay opinions and beliefs (and the beholders of the same) that aren’t my own. I question only because I am open to thinking that there is more to everything that I have ever seen, heard, read, been told or taught about. If you do want to accuse someone of being bigoted, cut to an advert for fair and lovely. The dusky, thus unnoticed, daughter of an aging makeup artist can’t cut it in the glamour world. And then her father, quite like the ‘fair’y godmommy, waves his magic tube of skin lightening granules, transforming pantry girl into desirable pin up debutante. So here’s the deal. Every once in a while, we ought to take that pin out of our pockets and burst our own bubbles. And then perhaps understanding will come by.

Hmmmaaam!

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:19:47 GMT

When I was in the shower this morning, I recalled, for no apparent reason, a rather amusing conversation I had with a 5 year old quite a few months ago. I was out in the porch scrubbing Lassie down when my neighbour's little brat of a nephew, Sagar, strolls in. Here is the conversation that ensued. Brief but very insightful! :)

Sagar: "Divya aunty, what your doing?"

Me: (Spitting soap suds out of my mouth) Oh I am just giving Lassie a nice warm bath.

Sagar: Why aunty? If you put water only she'll grow ah?

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:13:45 GMT

Last night I watched porn. Not for lack of anything else to do but because I wanted to watch some. It had been a while since I got my shot of cheap voyeuristic thrills. I must admit though, that at 28 I am quite new to this whole 'sex on camera and all for the dough' thing. I remember the first time I watched porn. All my friends, mostly guys, found it stimulating, especially on lonely saturday nights.I tried and really hard too at feeling all horny. Or like one website promised- to 'set my loins on fire'. I went everywhere. Youtube. Pornhub. Keezmovies. yobt. xHamster. Pinkworld. allerotic. downloadableporn. And yet, nada. Zilch. In Russel Peter's words, "Nothing is coming!"

To me it was simply appalling. Addictive, but appalling. Being turned on by all that slamming and pole-vaulting is the last thing I'll be. Everything is so fake. The titties, the long piercing rods, the slutty red finger nails, the esctacy, the eyelashes, the screaming, the pain, the 'creampies'. And as if all this wasnt phony enough some of these bangers even wore wedding bands! Now Who exactly is the audience here? The porn again christians?!

I vividly remember this 10 odd minute mpeg movie of a rather attractive busty peroxide blonde, who blows horny johnny for a full 9 minutes, and then slams his surgically enhanced rodney between her 'melons' for another full 5 minutes of 'titty fuck'. And at the end of it she shreiks from a an apparently potent combination of agony and ecstacy. Now I dont claim to be the Sex Sensei but I've had it a couple of times and I know fully well that unless my clit is stimulated I aint gonna feel much joy. Working on the 'jugs' works rather well for me too. Now when I know this much, how am I to get hot in my pants believing that it is downright euphoric for a woman to be blowing a man and sticking his dick in her clevage and moaning like her ass is on fire!

All I could think was, "What if that guy hadnt washed after taking a leak?".

I love sex, but I just dont get porn.

Pro Statuere

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:17:33 GMT

He sleeps with thoughts of another love,
Hidden deep in life's brazen cove.
They lurk in corners of his heart,
In secret journals and nights apart.
Fishnet-stockinged pristine whores;
In beaded G-strings and stilettos,
With gaudy lips of pink veneer,
At my poignancy they sneer.
They smirk at me from his wet dreams
Of stained white sheets and neon screams.
Where he flicks his tongue over her nipple
His holy groin Lord of her godless temple
Her brassy legs he prys them open
At discounted rates, Love's sweet token.

On Love And Hate And Everything In Between

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:02:45 GMT

Love’s Real Estate

“You don’t give me my space”
Said the man who unabashedly stole mine.
How revolting! But I hold my grace.
For I must pay for my sins sublime,
The pursuit of happiness- the ultimate crime.

My dreams and wants lie unfulfilled,
Knows he not, the things he killed.
A space so vast, a moor it held,
Miles and miles of me it bled
Where merry friends and cheery times
Made music like them trees with chimes.
Conquered loves belted out their battle cries
As I fought myself to win my prize-
Of hallowed lovers with their holy lies,
The garden of Eden complete with butterflies.

My life she was an open road,
My only gripe-there was no man aboard.
Then one day I laid my eyes on him,
My chalice of love he’d fill to the brim.
I gave my life when he asked for my hand,
Traded me for a wedding band.

Its funny how my still heart still skips,
When I run my fingers over his lips.
I love him so, Of that I am clear,
In his eyes twinkle my babies dear.
I live each day on borrowed lives,
Shared opinions, plates and knives.
‘Tis strange how life she is dancing dead,
Clothed in buried times and bridal red.

Just Shoot Me

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:00:18 GMT

By my freckled skin,
Please judge me not.
For spots on my cheeks,
Tell my story not.
Nor do the bulges around
My widened hips,
My fuzzy limbs,
And cigar-stained lips
Bear testimony to how
My soul, she quips.
Look beyond my bespectacled face,
Popular perceptions of beauty and grace.
Put away your viewfinder, your flash, your zoom lenses,
Enhance no reality, Embellish no pretenses.
Open up, don’t let your soul die blind-
Transcend the flesh, capture the mind.

Bedside Manners

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 06:43:30 GMT

CALMASUTRA

He sleeps

With his hands over my bosom

Like a child’s.

I sleep

Hiding in his arms

Afraid of being found by the world.

He sleeps

With his nose buried in the side of my neck

His breath thawing my frozen heart.

I sleep

With my hand in his

Least I lose my way in the dark.

We sleep

In lifesaving togetherness

Like primroses in rain.

june 12, 2009
5:45 pm

Life, Accordingly

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 07:45:01 GMT

My life, she is an opinion poll;
Everybody has a say in it.
Did I vote, you ask? Aye.
I said “Can’t say”!

*********************
My life, she is a big ocean liner
Folks, they climb aboard and enjoy the cruise
And when they’ve arrived, I dock. Empty.
Anchored to my primal bruise.

*********************

My life, she is a ticking clock.
Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Summer Winter Spring and Fall
I remain nailed to the wall.

Court grants girl breast removal

Mon, 04 May 2009 12:53:09 GMT

I think the decision to inject hormones into the child when she was 13 to stop menstruation was really irresponsible. At 13 most of us suffer from gender identity crisis, although only some of us admit to have been plagued by such thoughts in our teenage years. Orientation is one thing. But to physiologically alter urself at such a young age isnt the wisest thing to do. The child needed time and the medical authorities should have told her that instead of playing along. It is indeed shameful. I can only hope that when Alex is 19 he isnt going to be gripped by a desire to go back to being a woman all over again.

Court grants girl breast removal

An Australian teenage girl has been given permission by a court to have both breasts surgically removed to more closely resemble a boy.

The 17-year-old, known as Alex in court and referred to as a boy, has a psychological condition that makes him unhappy with his gender.

The Family Court in Melbourne said the removal of both breasts would help Alex to build a new life as a boy.

The decision has angered Catholic groups, who view it as irresponsible.

Alex suffers from "gender identity dysphoria", a psychological condition where a person believes they are the opposite sex.

Alex has been on hormone treatment since he was 13 to prevent menstruation, Australian media reported.

Social development

He applied to the court for a double mastectomy before he turned 18 - the age at which he would not need the court's consent and which he would no longer receive social support services as a minor.

Family Court chief justice Diana Bryant said Alex, who lives life as a male, was socially constrained by the breasts, avoided being hugged and wore binding at the beach.

"So it was quite an impediment to his social development, which everyone thought was very important," Judge Bryant was quoted as saying by the Age newspaper.

"Overwhelmingly, the evidence was that it was in his interests. And I made that order.

"I wanted to make it quickly so that he could have the operation straight away.''

Critics say that such radical surgery on a 17-year-old is irresponsible and premature.

Campaigners have said that a man from Melbourne who had a sex-change operation in his early 20s was now suing his doctors because he regretted the decision.

Print Sponsor

The Sandpiper and the Sea

Mon, 04 May 2009 08:49:36 GMT

A feeble body on flighty legs

At the raging sea must her hunger end

The Ocean, she is cruel

She shoves, she smothers

She froths at her mouth and

Snarls through the winds

But mouths must be fed

For lives must be led

And David must fight Goliath

My chequered Towel

Mon, 04 May 2009 06:38:21 GMT

A chequered towel
Like it always has
Hangs by the kitchen door
She wipes my tables
She wipes my tears
She rids my stains
And buries my fears

Death, he waits by
Like a dear old friend
For me to be done
With my earthly chores
And one last time
Will I dry my hands
Ere I take off my shoes
And hang up my life

Sat, 02 May 2009 14:22:56 GMT

Well well well...guess where my meanderings got me to. The writer's block. A pretty unimaginative town where life is like a looped record. Every moment not a mystical deja vu but a repetetive monotonous continuity from the moment before. Nothing has changed since I last checked in. It had turned out to be a rather uneventful stay. The probability of things hotting up this time around seem very lax. The whether isnt particularly condusive to birth of newer and interesting events. Looks like I'll have to find myself a tree, spread out my dhurrie, bring out that apple, force an ill-written book down on me and wait for inspiration.

Its all in the MindSet

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:50:49 GMT

So you know how to build mobile apps with the latest beta version of the Koolu version of Android. And you agree that binding of penicillin to the DD-carboxypeptidase of the unstable spheroplast L-form of Proteus mirabilis results in the rapid formation of a modified enzyme-inhibitor complex which in turn under goes rapid decay into reactivated enzyme and an antibiotically inactive penicillin degradation product. But you can’t for the life of you convey to your client that no matter what you did you just cannot expect a weather report on the Windows Media Player. Nor can you find yourself a near sacrosanct job as the Chief of the research unit at the oncology centre. Surely the world is kidding, you’d say.

Its not. For you see, there is more to being effective than just knowing your job. Scores of graduates pile out of college gates with degrees in hand each year. Every third person on the street is a Business Development Manager with the latest cost cutting patron to have arrived, if he isn’t already an MD at the plush and private hospital or a senior Java architect with a swanky car. And we all know how crowded our cities have gotten with these cars. So what sets you apart? Why must your potential employer hire you over the seven other applicants he interviewed that morning? What about you can have your current employer spending sleepless nights praying you wouldn’t leave the firm for greener or any other coloured pastures?

Think Big. Think Soft.

The days of fixating on hard skills are over. Soft skills or people skills as they are often referred to are needed for our everyday lives as much as our businesses. This so, because our businesses form and define our everyday lives. From the IT industry, to the pharmaceutical sector, to textiles and design, businesses the world over have started to realise the importance of soft skills in the overall success of their ventures. So now in the realised world the right kind of communication skills, leadership skills, conflict resolution skills, negotiation skills, interpersonal and team skills, problem solving abilities, managerial skills, sales and customer service skills, and cross-cultural skills go hand in hand with all the technical or administrative procedures related to an organization’s core business.

It’s all in the Mindset

Mindset Consultants is a training and development based in Bangalore. Started by a pharmaceutical professional with over 38 years of experience in the industry with national and international exposure in the areas of sales, marketing and training, the company has a pool of eminent faculties who are senior professionals from the pharmaceutical industry. From product training, to industry specific sales and marketing training to people skills, the company offers a plethora of services to suit your training requirement. Since no two industries or no two companies function in the same manner, or are faced with the same challenges, our course contents are tailor made to suit the needs of each company.

We also offer a complete training programme comprising:

a) For your representatives:

Covering the basics of anatomy and physiology and the range of products that you desire, clubbed with their job functions and selling skills.

and

b) For your managers:

A complete ‘Practical field management programme’, covering all functional areas of management, including leadership, teambuilding, training and development, innovation, motivation, delegation and negotiation among others.

The course objective is to bring out the best in each individual so that the person performs effectively and consistently. The course delivery involves lecture sessions, role- plays, case studies, simulations, group discussions and various other instruments that help the participants gain more self confidence and enable them to out do themselves. Each time.

For more details contact K.P. Devadas at kpdevadas@yahoo.com or call him at +91 9945609247

Blossoms of Love

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 04:39:28 GMT

Dearest Lassie

Yesterday I planted seeds where you lie. My heart has never willed impatiently for anything as much as it wills for the plants to grow and the flowers to blossom. Flowers that will bear your colour. A day will come when they will bloom in all your glory and radiate the sweet fragrance of your life. That day I shall lie amongst them and die. Peace regained.

Writer's Block: What a Way to Make a Living

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:22:56 GMT

What's the worst job you've ever had?

View 501 Answers

Its gotta be my present one- that of a wife (and related). Grrr.

Lonely...not so lonely!

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 08:35:04 GMT

“Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.”

And that’s when I decided to become a schizophrenic. I was home alone for a month and we all did great!

swirls

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:46:54 GMT

This is a little difficult for me to write and I am sure, for you to read. But it IS something that has been bothering me every single second of every single day for the last one month and more. The fact that you are at work, and in the middle of important things, make me ever more conscious and hesitant. But I couldn’t go a day more without knowing the answer, or if I were to assume the answer to be something we both know deep down, then maybe a reconfirmation of the same. And if I get neither, just to be able to tell you, share with you what I must.

While what you and I have is something very special to me, I have often wondered, ever since we have been closer in other ways, where exactly I stand. NO, I don’t hope for anything to happen between us. I know I don’t mean anything more than a friend to you- but what I wonder is if I dint, why did some things happen? And then, thoughts take me to the conversation we once had about how men and women view physical intimacy differently, and how you said guys could be intimate with women without being emotionally attached to them. And this gives birth to sometimes agonizingly painful realizations (?) that maybe…it really didn’t matter to you that during those times it was in fact ME, or maybe, just maybe there was someone else on your mind and in your thoughts the whole time. And I feel a sense of betrayal, perhaps, and abandonment. There’s this fear of having been some sort of a stopgap, something interim. And it hurts deep. Right now I feel I might be incapable of loving again. I want to get over it, and I want you to tell me honestly what those times meant to you. Even if it’s something I wouldn’t like to hear.

I am in some sort of a fix now, feeling a little lost about what I wanted to say initially. But I am going to try and do it anyway, since I already got this far, and while courage and consciousness still loom in my guts and soul. When I first blurted out what I felt for you and you told me it would never work out, I was probably upset for a day or two. I was fine after that. And I thought I really did well in the whole ‘getting over a rejection’ department. And then in less than a month’s time Sri Lanka happened. I didn’t ever think in the wildest of my dreams that the river would bend that way. And I don’t regret it too, per se, for I loved every second of the time I spent with you that week. It was you, me and the rest of the world- and a just cause. It felt like a mission. I felt stronger with you beside me- and safer. That’s what you do to me- you bring me home. When I am with you, I feel at home. Its not that I feel any less strong or safe when you are not around, but when you walk into the room I feel warm and cozy. Like things might not go wrong, or even if they do- it wouldn’t be such a big deal for I’d take care of them better with you. No, I never felt I couldn’t do without you. If I had a motto for my idea of love, in any form, for most part, it’d be, ‘I am okay on my own in life, but it’d be awesome if I got to spend it with you.’

It’s Saturday late evening already, and I am just beginning to work on our letter. It was a rather weird day- got into a bad fight with ammamma- and over nothing. Wont get into details, but it was painful. We cried and hugged for a long time after everything. She’s been bed ridden and hence frustrated, I’ve been stressed out too, and we just struck each other the wrong way, and like flint, exploded into flames. Probably wouldn’t have survived the day without Maneena (it was her birthday today). At one point during the whole battle, I felt weak in my knees and empty in my heart- and I said to myself that I could never ever love anyone anymore, ever again. The numbness in your heart you feel when you are stripped off everything you ever had is so intense that you stop feeling the pain after sometime. But you know how I can’t sleep over or spend more than necessary time over an argument. I know she still loves me just the way she loved the newborn baby she held in her arms 25 years ago. She loves me more than she could love anybody, to the point of being possessive about me at times. I couldn’t love her any less too. I couldn’t love anybody any less. People around me are so magically special to me that they make me forget and forgive, and embrace them, and love them like they never hurt me. And like I never hurt them. I don’t know otherwise.

While waiting for the rest of the group at Colombo airport, I did let you in on some of the things my life is made up of. You probably remember the small bit about the 7 year old me in Bombay and the perverted neighbour I had. I am not sure of the degree of importance I must assign to the incident, or if I should at all, but all I know is it has affected me in a couple of ways. Everything from then on for a long time felt like slithering snakes and clotting blood around me. And the associated stench around me was so foul, so intolerable. Still makes me shudder. I remember, (when I was around 10, and kind of started getting to know in the most misinformed way about how babies were born), the nights I have spent crying myself to sleep wondering if I had a baby somewhere out there. I dint know if I should ask someone about it, or if I could. And then it happened again, in the train, a sick man’s hands on a pleasure trip all over my 11 year old thighs and legs. The jerk. I sometimes wonder if my tomboyish ways were an unconscious effort to look like my own attackers, and thus feel less threatened, and less prone to being harmed. I can never know. While I behaved like one of them, it was difficult to get myself to trust a man completely. I even felt achan had let me down by not doing anything about the ‘man in Bombay’. He wouldn’t even talk to me about it. He was once my Super Man, and suddenly he dint seem so super anymore- a fallen angel perhaps?? I did come to know, much much much later that he had infact ‘taken care’ of the situation. I felt better, but the damage- in terms of my attitude towards my own father, had already been inflicted. Sometimes, your thoughts are so established, that even truth doesn’t change it. It took years of conscious effort to bring back the trust. And now he’s back to being my Super Man once again- a little difficult to get along super man, but Super Man none the less J . Getting back trust in my father was easier, for he was my Father and one is innately designed to trust one’s life givers. Trusting the rest of the male fraternity required more help. A deep 5 year old friendship with my distant cousin Anoop helped, until he decided to listen to his 20 day old love and give me up to make her feel secure again. That was when Mrinal walked in and stayed in for a good year and half. Some good times, some bad times, brought out the best in me, brought out the worst too. I will always cherish the moments of happiness, confidence and faith he brought in me. And I will always treasure him for making me feel like a woman. It did however end on a not so pleasant note. No hard feelings though thankfully.

You probably are wondering why I am wasting your time narrating stuff not even related to you, when I am supposed to be talking about something more concrete. Honestly, I don’t know how all this came in, but hey, since its all out there now, I probably meant to tell you. Well, on second thoughts, if you notice, all the men that came in did leave. I hated that. So I stopped letting people in. Even when a very good friend tried knocking on the doors of my heart, I asked him to go knock elsewhere. We were doing great standing on either sides of a closed door. I feared the fact that things had the potential to change if I were to open it. I couldn’t bear losing another battle.

Time passed me by, and one day so did you. Getting to know you better was like a stroke of cool breeze on a warm summer day. Unexpected and refreshing. Keeping you waiting for the next one to soothe you by. I knew my summers were long, and that I could do with some breeze. I realized on a particular Sunday morning that I might really like you. That evening me and sue were out, eating vada sambaar at shanty sagar, and I said, ‘I think I like someone at work’ and she says, ‘oh! Me too!’. I couldn’t wait to hear her part of the deal, so I let her go first, and she says ‘Its amit!’. I heard something shatter into a million pieces, wasn’t sure if it was a glass on the next table or my heart, but since sue was waiting for me to do my turn, I said, ‘Wow! And I fell flat on my fat ass for Martin!’. And hoped to dear lord that I sounded convincing enough. And I think I did for she kept teasing me about Martin for the next 6 months, at least. With my shortest crush ever past me, my next goal was to find out if you were available and if so, interested in her. It hurt sometimes but I would give anything to see my friend smile. So I backed off from you once the whole REACH thing was over, but we’d invariably do Friday evenings out and she’d make sure I never missed it. I wouldn’t need much convincing anyway. Sometime in November last year she asked me if I felt more than just ‘friends’ for you. I tried to cordon her off, but she kept coming back to me with the same. And I finally dint deny it, coz I had denied it too long, and I felt I needed to be honest about it the most with her. She suggested I tell you and I thought that was the craziest idea ever, but a month later I did. What made me do it was the conversation we had in the car, on my birthday, about the list of ‘things to do before I turn 30’ (I learnt much later rather ruefully, that it wasn’t so). You said, and I believed, that despite living in with someone you haven’t felt the need to be physical with her, and that one doesn’t have to be just because one is living in. And given my life long search for a man who dint think sex was invincible, I thought it’d be wrong to let you go by. So, after much haggling with myself, I called you to Coffee Day that evening. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, but the feeling soon goes away, for I know I did the right thing at that time by being honest about it with you. It was a gamble I knew I’d lose right from the start. But I was willing to do it for I owed it to me. But what I dint figure was that maybe I’d not be too comfortable being left out again.

It’s a real bummer if you love someone and can’t have them love you back. Makes you feel so ill equipped. You could be sitting half a foot away from me, and I’d be missing you, just knowing I could never be with you. One day I asked Amma why its so tough getting over you. She usually gives me straight answers, but that day, she looked at me for some time, smiled and said, ‘There was nothing between the two of you, and yet it pains you so much to let him go. He loved her for 6 years. Imagine how it must be for him. Do you think he could ever accept you?’ And then I knew that I had to let you go even if I couldn’t, coz I don’t think its right for me to want someone who wants another. Its not been easy letting go, for things between us haven’t been very clear to me. I don’t know if you meant some of the things you said to me in Hikkaduwa, or if u even remember what they are, but I can still hear them and so clearly its almost like you are just saying them right now. About how you thought we could grow old together, build houses on the same street once we r ready to settle down so that we could be around eachother, how you thought it’d be a great idea for me to play mother to your adopted children… And I thought if being together as life partners isn’t about all of these then what is? Y is it okay for him to say (and hopefully want) these things and yet not okay for him to make me part of his life? When I laid eyes on you my heart would, one upon a time, think ‘here is someone I’d like to go home to, someone I’d like to share my morning newspapers and chai with, someone I’d like everyone in my family to love and dote on, someone whose family I’d die for, someone who I’d like to be the father of my children’. It’s hopeless and wrong for me to think so and I have been consciously working on unwanting these. I do respect your space, so please do know that I’ll understand whatever you will tell me. You are very very special to me, and I would never want you gone from my life. And I would never want to be gone from yours. No matter what you think of, don’t …please don’t think that the only way I could get over you is for you to walk out of my life. And don’t say things like ‘I think I will find myself a girl friend or get married soon, so that you get over me’. It really hurts to hear something like that coz I respect your feelings immensely and honestly I am not looking to take that place.

Its 3:30 am Sunday morning, and I think I have pretty much said what you could possibly read in one sitting J … I have tried to be as clear as I can, and hope that you don’t get me wrong anywhere. I know it’s a really long mail and I appreciate your patience. I also hope I haven’t hurt you in any way. If I have, it is without intentions. I am gonna sign off now, but not before saying- I love u dear partner. I do.

He wrote back. I am still brimming with questions. But I think I will let them be, for I know some parts of our relationship, like the love for eachother, will just fade with time. Perhaps.

Hi Partner,

I am kind of feeling very heavy after reading ur mail. Maybe its because deep down I feel I am the cause for it…hey dnt worry not in the wrong sense. Its just that I have done it again….it has happened to me before…U know when we met first after that…….Vaishali told me “you are doing it again…..u r getting too close to dat girl” and that she could see that u were falling for me (infact she said the same for suzy…I wonder how she got it) I jst laughed it off….thinking dat it was jst the usual girls feeling insecure but deep down I knew she was not the usual girl also…and I thnk I unconsciously I started observing your behavior towards me…. and long before u told me I knew u liked me.

I have always tried to have a good friend who is a girl because I feel I understand girls better than boys and you being a tom boy I thought maybe she is different but it has ended up like this….like always... I am sure I am responsible for whatever u feel. Because I belive I have behaved in a very different way than guys usually behave with a friend who is a girl. See it was not with bad intention but when I like somebody I jst go out of the way to make them comfortable….love them care for them….i dnt see if it is a boy or a girl. And that’s where I get into trouble….Vaish was right…a girl is always a girl if u touch her or talk to her in certain ways…no matter wats in ur mind she will start falling for u…I never understood it…in spite of her warnings and in spite of loosing and hurting so many friends I love or maybe unconsciously I didn’t want to learn.

See whatever happened between us….first thing I couldn’t have done that with u by having someone on my mind.. I jst cant do that…I cant compare or replace u or her with anybody. Whatever happened was between u and me. U came into my life when I was going down and lonely…so I feel I was clutching at whatever I could….and since we both are very physical individuals it went to a level it shouldn’t have. It was nothing to do with Sex if it was we could have gone the whole way. I dnt care abt Sex if I was so desperate I can get whenever and with whoever I chose to ( I still have some charms left even though I am jst 22 yrs old ;-)). So please get that out of ur mind…

I know guys can get physical and walk off without having felt anything…probably I can do it…..also but I thnk my conscience would kill me if I did something like dat…..sometimes I feel I should be like other boys jst do and get off the bed and walk off but I could never do it ….u should have seen me in college….I could have had any girl I mean it when I say it…any girl I wanted to….I don’t want to tell this but girls (not talking about 1 girl ) used to stand outside my hostel window to have a look at me and whistle and do things like that ….and my friends used to curse me for not doing it when I had the advantage….but I could never do it jst for one reason I cnt hurt anybody…sex yes I feel the urge……but the urge is not greater than my conscience or my fear of hurting people.

Whatever happened between u and me was a mix of lot of things….the way I feel for u, my vulnerability after vaish and us getting too close…I know I have said this before but this time I will keep my word…..I will kill myslf before I hurt you again by getting physical. I still feel I should have stopped because I knew what u felt for me….i should hav kept my mind then…..but I guess I am not as strong as I think I am.

After you told me that you liked me I felt more close to you because I wanted to take care of you and help u get out of it…I felt guilty of saying no and making u feel so bad….I cared for u and u were my mate….a very close mate….but after Srilanka I felt I should pull out a bit…I told amma also if my going away helps her I will do it no matter how painful it is…u should know me by now….if something has to be done I will do it no matter wat….but could not pull out fully because I did not want to loose u as a friend and also because I felt I owed it to our relationship that I stick by you when u needed me the most…and then I got close to amma also.i couldn’t jst pull away from u and be close to her so I tried pulling away from her also but I guess I am still not dat strong…but I still say it if I see that it is not getting better I will do it no matter how much it hurts.

I have been thinking abt all this b4 ur mails when I am alone out here….I have found lot of my action has given u hope but it was not meant to sound the way it did….i jst love u that’s all nothing to do with girlfriend boy friend stuff or things like that ….i jst love u the way a I would love my closest mate….even if u were a boy I would still love u the same way…hug u the same way sleep with u in the same bed…..I do it with Rajesh I sleep with Chinki in the same bed….she is a girl but never have anything happened. But with you since it has happened twice now I will have to take care a lot I don’t trust myslf and I dnt want to risk it once more.

I think thas why I have to take twice the care with suzy…I love her she is a brat and I dnt want the it to go the way it has happened between u and me. I take care of my actions…I keep telling her if my actions are giving u some wrong msgs let me know….i keep clarifying with her….I don’t touch her even if at times I want to give her a hug….me very scared I have hurt you and I dnt want to hurt anybody anymore.

All these lonely days here has made me think about what I am abt u, susy , vaish and me and all the times when I went wrong and have hurt others I think I have to change my actions when I am with a girl….i have to restrict myslf and remind myslf no matter how gud friend she would be ….but first she is a girl.

And I was trying to thnk what do I look for in a girl what was it that attracts me to girl and I guess I have found some very interesting answers may be someday when we meet will tell u

Ok I think half of wat I have written is crap J pls don’t take everything too literally or in a unwanted way….u know I am not very gud with words…..and I know that we both have a very good understanding of not understanding what each one of us is tryng to say…Jst to put it all in one line….u still mean a lot to me….yes I have pulled a bit not to go away but to give u some space to help u get back on ur feet…It hurt to think that u feel u cant love anybdy anymore….i am right behind u jst reach out whenver u need me….and abt wat happened………it had nothing to do with Sex or with anybdy in my head…Though I believe sex shold not be mixed with your feeling I could never do it…Though I wish I had J I wouldn’t have missed my golden age (kidding).

Hoping against hope that you wont dig out any negative or bad things from wat I have written J

This is the longest mail I have ever written to anybody also when I read back it all feels very disconnected and total rubbish…but this is the best I can write…pls try to take the best out of it…if u do then I will know u really understand this great friend of urs J.

World does not end here….we have a long way to go….sometimes together some times alone…right now it looks like I am gona walk the lonely path for the rest of my life….not because I am alone out here but deep in my heart I feel it is very difficult to love anybdy…..I might be wrong never know when the cupid fires his arrow at me….but I am sure it will take more than an arrow…every fucking day I am dreaming abt her and binny….and wake up with a heavy heart…I never used to dream and even if I dreamt I never used to remember wat….but now the moment I hit the bed I start feeling my dreams.

Take care partner hope this mails helps in clearing out ur thoughts abt wat happened and abt what I feel for u and what is between us.

Love u partner.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 13:56:40 GMT

......and it is emphasized that the most plausible interpretation of the singly conditioned probability function implies that the evolution of the two-state quantum system being considered cannot be characterized as a Markov process on those states over any time interval. And it is pointed out that an alternative interpretation that is offered in the Comment appears to be in conflict with quantum mechanics... Anybody to counter that?

makin peace with Zosert 50mg

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:16:17 GMT

Nothing much to report today. My new medication seems to be working fine. Except the doc increased it from 25 mg to 50 mg...and today being my first day on 50, i am feeling a little confused and groggy. Otherwise all is well. I havent had that killing headache since Ive been on this. Nor have I done my ''weepy do'' :) My happy pill finally works!!! Yipee!!!

Finding God

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 16:54:30 GMT

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. The trees, flowers, grass, the stars, the moon and the sun, see how they bloom in nothingness... We need silence and serendipity to be able to touch souls. SO SHUT UP. I have a God to find.

Going Green

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 17:23:50 GMT

Hey peeps (that would just be me coz nobody else reads my journal)! I got a nice little garden in pots now. Close to about 30 plants. It feels really good to finally have plants survive me. I always loved having plants around the house, but never could manage to keep them alive. Now, almost a month into it with just 2 casualities, its getting better. Will post a picture tomorrow as soon as I get the last one repotted. Dont forget to tune in...

Oh my gawd!! VJ sent me this! I think its a dedication :)

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:57:05 GMT

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Meet Christina Joanna Shields

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:45:42 GMT

Today I met Little Chrissy, all of six days old. Sharlet is completely worn out. But her baby is simply worth it! A pure bundle of miracles straight from heaven, that girl. Sleeps all day long, and then sleeps again at night, uninterrupted. Wakes up to feed, and how. :) No one believes me when I tell them that little thing smiles and grunts when you talk to her. But she does. When she looks at me with those clear wide non-judgemental eyes, i feel a little less impure, a little less complicated. All that mattered was just being there with her, my finger wrapped in her tiny hand. Wishing she'd never let go.